bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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