I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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