Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
