We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
