Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
