If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
