im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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