i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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