Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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