i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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