From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
