he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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