I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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