Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
