Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
