I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
