Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
