I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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