how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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