I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
