Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
