Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
not ubering you a puppy
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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