Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i think my cat just said my name.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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