if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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