i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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