my mouth tastes like poor choices
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
