I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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