I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize