Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
