I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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