I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
