i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
