Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Be still, my beating vagina.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
