Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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