Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
