we're chasing vodka with high fives
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
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