I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
