i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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