mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
