I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
