He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
