She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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