I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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