we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
