Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
