Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
