Buhtt sex?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize