My hair reeks of homosexuality.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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