I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I need to sanitize my soul.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
