Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
well most of my day revolves around power hour
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
