I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
