In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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