3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
barbara walters just said penis...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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