i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
