I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
