I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
