Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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