i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
