Banned from zoo.
Again?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
it's like iHOP with fire
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
