im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
